Hi
Hi.
I have a lot of thoughts. It took a while to actually start writing here. I haven't kept anything approaching a diary in a really, really long time (for reasons). The main thing in my life is that my lovely boyfriend and I are trying to sleep with a hot coworker of ours. It seems like we have a pretty good chance, honestly. The only issue is I do not like Taylor Swift, at all, and neither does my boyfriend. We have no intention of dating him (i.e. forming a triad or something), but my therapist still recommended I read The Ethical Slut, so I did just that. It was pretty enjoyable.
Our coworker did also get me to finally listen to Chappell Roan and after an initial unsure response, I am now thoroughly addicted to her newer albums. I'm very happy in my relationship, but for many years I was incredibly lonely and wanted to be in a relationship so badly. Her music reminds me of this intense yearning and loneliness and the emotional turmoil that was college. This isn't to say I dislike college. I love my college friends, and I miss being surrounded by artistic peers and more LGBT people. I miss not having to work a job. But at the same time, I was constantly becoming infatuated and fixating on people and, I recently realized, taking an approach so direct that it was probably off putting. Just neurodivergent things, I guess. Speaking of jobs, also, I love my coworkers except for the one homophobic guy. I love my manager (shocking!) and we are friends since before she was slated to be store manager. However, commuting frequently has me feeling unsafe due to a repeat dangerous homophobic freak who often rides my bus. I also don't particularly care for what we sell (clothing) and don't really enjoy customer service. I feel like I'm squandering my college degree, though I'm sure I'm not alone in that, given what I've heard about getting jobs nowadays. I want to actually put my degree to use. I miss making art. I miss creating things and not worrying about money. It's not like we're in an economic danger zone, it's just hard not to get that voice out of your head when you live in a capitalist society. While the act of working itself isn't much worse than tiring and physically unpleasant, it does make me feel like I don't have much else to offer the world than folding clothes and essentially making shit up to convince mostly rich people to buy shit they don't actually need. It really messes with your self worth, but I do think people should experience this type of job or food service to minimize entitlement. Capitalist alienation is really getting to me recently, though I don't feel a rush to switch jobs either, since I've had no luck there either. I keep getting turned down or the reply will be a scam that gets my hopes up. I've thought about this and talked about this extensively with many people and still feel lost and stuck.
Part of it is the dumb philosophical need to find meaning. Being a child of immigrant parents and trans means I am obsessed with my identity and feel constantly like there's something wrong, or something missing. My parents don't understand because they were raised in Japan, which is also frustrating for obvious reasons. I don't feel particularly at home in the city I live in, though I'm not sure where I would either. I feel rootless, neither here nor there; when I was younger, this sense was stronger, more urgent. I reacted impulsively and angrily and tried to reject my heritage. Obviously, that doesn't work when you are visibly Asian. No amount of research into my ancestry or practice has provided me a feeling of connectedness or rootedness, yet. I'm desperately hoping, though frustrated, that I will eventually figure that out.
I'm enjoying Djo after giving songs other than Chateau a listen. I only found out today that Djo is Joe Keery. I find him pretty attractive, honestly.